she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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