Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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