you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
