I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
