I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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