stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
