she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
