I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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