My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
