I just cut my nipple shaving
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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