All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
