yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
