now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
