Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
