i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
