i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's never too late to be topless.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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