my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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