new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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