Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
your room smells of hookers.
And success
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
