I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
