Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
