Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
