Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
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spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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