Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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