Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I fill condoms, not promises.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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