Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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