I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I need to calm my uterus...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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