you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
