so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
