I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
