apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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