True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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