Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
