got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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