just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
