Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
