every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
