so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
