I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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