Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
