he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
