david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
