Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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