So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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