Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
