I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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