grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We need a shit load of segways right now
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
