He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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