I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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