My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
