I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
