Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
