Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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