Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We had to coat check the pizza.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
