10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
