Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
