So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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