I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
