Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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