I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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