okay pat passed out under dana's car
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Randomize
