There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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